An Audit Of Lord Zafar’s Eccentric Collection

Posted: October 4, 2011 | Author: Dennis N. Santana | Filed under: Fiction, Fluff/Inspiration, RPG, Spirits Of Eden |Leave a comment »

To: The Exalted 23rd Andalian Congress

By: Karin M. Apuleius, Archivist-Diminutia.

It has been as of this date, 17th Songmoon of 2008, five weeks since the untimely passing of the Merchant Lord of Impel, Lord Kahur Zafar, and the events that it put into play among his many potential heritors. As requested by Senatrix Alea Bhatnagar, I have pursued access to Lord Zafar’s collection of “acquisitions” from his various trips and various Andaliel Archeological Society expeditions funded by him. Lord Zafar had been a prolific patron of the Archeological Society, and its Explorers were on numerous occasions delving on his coin, and dying at his behest. The adventurers that he so funded returned to him – if they returned at all – with eccentric offerings so as to curry direct favor from him, over their Archeological Society higher-ups. Lord Zafar’s collection has oft been the subject of gossip and misconception, as to the threat that it may possess to its immediate and not so immediate surroundings, and the amount of unholy material that it may contain. For once, definitively, we shall discern fact from fiction.

As instructed, I sought the aid of the Lord’s widow, Kahlua Zafar, to whom it is said he had been somewhat less-than-faithful, but found little use in the acquaintance, as she no longer had access to the collection. One of the Lord’s sons by her, Hermes Zafar, had taken command of the Lord’s estate in defiance to the wishes of the other heritors, and hired an armed guard, which even kept her, his own mother, from approaching her rightful property.

After my numerous letters to the exalted Congress seemed to be ignored, I took the initiative to seek after the late Lord’s rumored paramours and found his former lawyer, a man named Sigilus Mohar, with whom he had had a lengthy romantic affair, and who, apparently, still retained some knowledge of the complex within which the collection was kept.

With the schematics that he kindly offered, as well as the rifle and the bullets and the grenades he also kindly offered, I sought entry, promising him that I would deliver a piece that held sentimental value to him (a lie, as I would deliver nothing to him). It is then I embarked upon the scheme which if you will note landed me in prison for murder for several weeks, until my name was cleared by the most exalted Senatrix Bhatnagar. At last, I achieved legal access to the collection, after promising never to appear at the complex armed, and to refrain from using Repulsion or Transformation magic on the guards.

I include these details such that the Congress may deign aid their loyal servant in coming lawsuits from the Zafar estate, such that she may continue to operate within Oomash, and not consider several offers from the Vedarian government. I have acted with full propriety within only such powers as granted to me by the exalted Congress.

Thus, reaching the heart of the matter of Zafar’s collection. Of the many pieces, I have selected only those most troublesome and which should be immediately seized from the estate, and righteously burnt and discarded with detailed observance to all proper rituals, as per the Congressional Emergency Unholy Materials Disposal Act of 1972. I have included descriptions of each alongside my analysis of probable origins, and the titles given each item by the late Lord Zafar. I hope this will thus dispel rumors about exactly what dangers the Lord allowed to collect dust within his halls.

I have included numerous tasteful drawings. I am, by education, an artist.

SORIAN STEAM CONTRAPTION

A sketch is included of a rusted old barrel, partially burnt, with a series of compasses stuck to its side, and a smokestack, and a sketch of Karin herself, her face, hair, ear-fur and shoulders covered in soot. There is graffiti etched into the device’s every surface, boasting messages such as “Billybob’s a gid-drat yankee.”

This maleficent device consumes water through a heating element and belches out smoke and hideous vapors. It is deleterious to health and sanity. It might have once perhaps been attached to something, perhaps some kind of Sorian Golem, but the crude engine is all I had access to. I attempted common rituals to initiate the machine, and found my normally caramel face entirely blackened by it, as well as my shoulders. It is unstable, ramshackle and made out of garbage. It is rare for Sorians to exhibit any technical knowledge, but whenever they do, it is never sensible. I wager a society powered by these devices could only be brutish and sickly, devoid of any empathy or morality, all of it obscured by disgusting soot.

TROLL HEAD IN ACID JAR

A sketch is included of Karin frowning cartoonishly as she holds a jar in her hands with a troll’s growling head, its exterior skin, as well as the severed neck nerves, burnt constantly by acid and unable to regenerate.

This disturbing curiosity is an ornate glass jar filled with a highly acidic solution, within which a troll’s head ceaselessly regenerates, and is endlessly tormented by acid. Were the creature anything but the horrific artifice of the elven race, I would take pity upon it. As it stands I am merely disgusted with having to maintain a presence in the same room as it, while writing this audit. Should the jar break, I fear for the immediate vicinity, in innumerable ways.

SEVERED HAND AND PLUCKED EYE IN JAR

A sketch of Karin, mortified, with a broken jar in one hand, a disembodied hand pulling her hair past its comfortable shoulder-length, and an eyeball bouncing or squirming on a puddle on the floor.

In auditing this item I accidentally broke it, and released some kind of horrific evil upon the world. The hand and eye are, according to the late Lord’s notes, preserved from one of the ancient race, the Humans. Supposedly it was a deity. They are blue and green and sickly-looking, and worst of all, still alive. Upon breaking the jar I was attacked by the hand, and I could hear the diabolic whispers of the eye tempting me to darkness. My considerable willpower won the day, and I locked them in he same jar as the troll head. I suggest, for all three, that they be placed at the end of a long field, and artillery strikes be called upon them several times, with the heaviest ordinance that can be mustered.

RUSTY JEWELED CROWN

A sketch of Karin, smiling, a crown upon her head, a dark roiling aura about her person.

This item is the crown of an old king. Levity overtook sanity, and I placed the object upon my head, whereupon I heard it list my many talents and qualities by which I was fit to overthrow the exalted Congress and rule as a power-mad tyrant. I entertained no such notions and quickly returned the item to the locked chest where it was found.

SUIT OF FURY ARMOR

A sketch of Karin sucking a bleeding thumb, near a suit composed of multiple segmented armor plates, and covered in spikes. Pustules and flesh covers the armor in places.

An abomination unto the spirits, this suit of armor has been exposed to the foulness of Noshiki for so long that flesh had fused to it, before its Fury owner was deprived of her life, and the suit was added to the Lord’s collection. In my endless curiosity I probed the flesh with my bare hand and found it slimy and slick, like a coat of wet moss. I then spent many hours inconsolable and washing my hand with as many different, sacred oils as I could muster. I also touched one of the numerous spikes on the armor and despite seeming blunt it cut my finger deep, and gave me a flash of the memories imprinted upon it. I suggest this be part of that artillery strike I recommended earlier.

DIMINITAS ANGEL, BROKEN

A sketch of an angel, seemingly enjoying itself as it crawls its scarab-like little body all over an annoyed Karin.

I’m unsure how this creature was recovered or contained. It is the instinct of all machines to produce more of themselves and betray their masters, be they benevolent or not. All machines merely await reincarnation to further forms until they are poised to rebel. Yet, this diminitas, already in a form that allows it to create other machines and raise an army to overthrow us beings of flesh, squanders its chance. Instead it makes a little noise all the time, which sounds somewhat like “lulz” and it climbs all over one’s body in a truly frenetic way. One cannot understand the ways of machines, so I recommend that it be destroyed regardless of its current harmless state. It may someday repair itself and begin its fated insurrection.

STRANGE SPELLBOOK

A sketch of a displeased Karin holding up a fanged tome.

From what I’ve gathered attempting to read this tome, in the past when one cast a spell, one would then forget how to do it again all day, until one read the book again, and was able to prepare the spell for use anew next morning. One could not read the book again to regain the spell until a significant amount of time had passed, perhaps because of fatigue.

Absolutely ludicrous. Someone could get severely hurt trying to practice this ridiculous form of magic. This tome needs to be discarded with proper obeisances to the Spirits of magic, who bless us with sensible arts.

MAGIC SWORD

A sketch of Karin swinging a seemingly normal sword.

This sword is magic, supposedly. I do not know what that is supposed to mean. I swung it once and felt no real difference from when I swung one of the guard’s swords. According to the late Lord’s notes, this sword was enchanted with magic from the Lost World, marginally improving its “power.” What does it mean by power? I don’t know. I don’t trust it, however, and recommend that it and its “marginal” “power” be disposed of with flames.

ARROWLANCE, DIABOLUS

A sketch of Karin with the pistol, its cylinder glowing, a baby dragon’s skull affixed to the barrel.

The same Fury from whom the armor was taken might have used this pistol. Arrowlances are much more common among Seraphim and Furies than among our military. This pistol is inscribed with numerous honors, suggesting that the Fury who wielded it was a convert, rather than one of the original Fallen Ones who defected from the Seraphim. Or perhaps, she murdered a valorous Sister paladin and stole her weapon, and corrupted it for her own use. She must have been quite a frightening sight. I wonder how she was conquered by run-on-the-mill mercenaries – perhaps I should be wondering at what cost she was conquered, I suppose. I tried shooting it and it nearly took my wrist off, and it emits a foul smell whenever it discharges kinetic energy. We should give this to one of the Cherubim on loan to us from Sargasso. She would likely know better than us how to safely dispose of such a tainted weapon, and it might hold significance to her convent.

CONCLUSION

These were the items I discovered among the Lord’s collection which necessitate the flame. The rest of his collection consists of gewgaws any long-lived man would accrue, and are hardly worth notice. As of this writing, the items are still in possession of his son Hermes Zafar. I advise the Congress to quickly dispatch troops to claim and dispose of the items before they are lost among the squabbling heritors. Hermes is quite capable of vanishing the items, sequestering them to some lockbox in any corrupt guild in Periterim once my back is turned, which it must soon be.

As I am currently quite unclean, I will be taking a pilgrimage to holy waters rather than reporting immediately back to Congress. My flesh and soul desperately require anointing after all of this foulness.

I hope this report makes it to the most exalted Congress with due speed.

So signed, humble Archivist-Diminutia to Senatrix Alea Bhatnagar,

–Karin Maharashtra Apuleius

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