Don’t Split The XP Budget (MM2 Review Part 1)

Posted: May 26, 2009 | Author: Dennis N. Santana | Filed under: D&D, D&D 4e, Humor, MM2, RPG |19 Comments »

Mob Manual 2

I very rarely, review Wizard’s of the Coast D&D 4th Edition books, I believe the last time I did was because it was the Forgotten Realms Guide and I thought it was interested how the setting was so mutilated and gutted that I could finally consider playing in it. If the spellplague had not come along I would still consider myself as allergic to Forgotten Realms books and would still hold the superstitious belief that if I touched one my hand would turn into salt and God would burn my home town.

Can I still get the second part, God, buddy? There’s a lot of people there I’d like dead.

Now, I don’t review Wootsie books for 2 reasons:

•I don’t actually use any of their books except the 1st series of handbook/guide. I don’t even use the 1st monster manual much.

•People who have some reason to use their books can find better reviews geared to them.

With that in mind, you have to do one of these once in a while anyway because people love them so much. Reviews I mean. Especially of Monster Manuals.

So will I use the Monster Manual 2′s for anything? Hell no.

But this isn’t because they are inherently badly designed or anything, I just played all of them up already, through D&D 3.5, and then through D&D Retroclones I reviewed before, and now I get to play them again through 4e? Joy of untold joys. I’m personally rather exhausted of classic D&D creatures so I never use them, except to crack a joke about how I’m exhausted of them, or turning them into minions or cameos as a childish attempt to insult people’s love of classic D&D crap.

Still, it’s funny just looking at some of these, and the first monster manual is all sorts of useful in designing your own monsters. By that I mean I can look at it and know almost immediately what I don’t want to do. Will the Monster Manual 2 measure up?

Monsters Ate My Neighbors

The first monsters in the book are Angels those lovely conglomerates of– JESUS CHRIST WHERE THE HELL DID THEIR FACES GO? That was feigned shock by the way, I am aware that D&D 4e angels are (almost literally) faceless mass-produced avengers of whoever and whatever gave them their whispy ghost tails and burning wings and armor they stole from a ren faire. Angels are grouped by what Gods created them to do.

For example the Mailman Angel delivers “kindly stop doing that or your alignment will change” letters to Paladins who no longer care, and Gigolo Angels…you do not want to know what Gigolo Angels do. The Angels here are all epic, which plugs a hole in the first monster manual’s angel distribution. We can all thank Angelcorp for our brighter, more faceless tomorrow. There’s also an Archangel template there. I’m applying it to a minion angel so it can become a standard angel.

PROMOOOOOOOTIONS.

Ankhegs are massive hilarious bug beasts that drag you away to try to touch you in a place or in a way that would likely make you feel very uncomfortable. Pretty much their entire stat block is meant to facilitate them grabbing you and running away. There is only one real Ankheg and it is a level 3 elite monster with a hundred hit points. It has little minion brutes (minion brutes?) which chomp on your knees while mummy makes love to you. This monster is patently hilarious and if there’s ever some horrible BESM based on D&D 4th Edition it should include these. Also Ankhegs are shaped vaguely like the offspring of a hot dog and a samurai helmet.

Next up are the Giant Ants. If you read about that tribe of Lesbian Amazon Ants and wanted your players to stumble into such a place and feel firsthand how the masculine gender is obsolete, you can do that now. Ants in D&D are pretty messed-up lookin’.

Archons…ugh. Archons. Can we rename them to Planeteers? You get Earth, Storm and Water Archons now in addition to your Fire Archons and Ice Archons before. I wonder if we’ll ever get air archons. How do they wear their silly Fire-Man helmets if they are made of air? Also, Heart Archons. The future is bright and filled with hope.

Earth Archons have stuff (that’s how far I’m willing to go to describe these things) but the funniest thing is that level 14 standard controller that can immobilize (save ends) and do some minor damage as an at-will action. From Ranged 20. Stick a couple of these things in front of a door that’s 15 squares away and shout YOU SHALL NOT PASS. (NOR MOVE DURING THIS ENCOUNTER.)

Storm Archons don’t have a controller, but they have an artillery which is basically a controller, so they’re okay.

The Water Archons have the Shoal Reaver. Wait. Shoal reaver?

According to my dictionary: “a large number of fish swimming together.”

This guy is committing fish genocide. He has clearly earned the Chaotic Evil alignment he possesses. Shame on you Shoal Reaver. How dare you violate the Atlantean Convention on Fish Rights?

Next up we have Barghests. Barguests are not very smart. You see, they can change shape, but they can only assume the shapes of some of the things you kill the most in Dungeons and Dragons – Goblins (Gob, Hob and Bug) and Wolves.

If you’re utterly sick of your low level parties fighting goblins, you can have them fight Barghests. Kill one, and it’s like you’re killing a whole squad of goblins of all sorts.

The other problem Barghests have is their creepy baboon face doesn’t seem to change even in their wolf form. But I don’t trust wolves would be able to tell the difference.

Wait.

The Barghest Battle Lord can turn invisible at-will after swinging its greatsword at somebody’s face? And until the end of its next turn too! So this guy could be chopping your face invisibly the entire encounter. And he’s a standard monster you say? AND he also has at-will dazing attack? AND it is ranged, with a -2 attack penalty aftereffect?

I smell a 4 hour encounter!

Now, I have to express disappointment in the Behir. I know D&D is all grim and dark, with dark and grim darkness lurking in the grim dark outside that one village over there (which is a point of light) but I happened to like the dragoncowpede Behirs that did not look threatening in the least. Now they look like those asian dragons you see in paintings, or like a dragonpede. They removed the cow portion of the equation, and that saddens me.

The cool thing about Behirs is they get to act in 3 pre-set initiatives, so even a Behir baby can kick your ass pretty hard. Also, they even included a nerfed little loser Behir for you to ride on if you’re level 24. Can I stick some spinning rims on that?

Then we have the Beholders–

JESUS CHRIST

UMM

MUST CALM DOWN MUST CALM DOWN MUST CALM DOWN

STOP LOOKING AT ME

…A-a-a-anyway…

Okay. Beholders. Let’s talk about Beholders in the Monster Manual 2. Yep.

I hate all the god damn Beholders in this god damn book.

Beholders are as annoying as always because they have all these god damn–

What I mean is that BEHOLDERS ARE SUPERY DUPERY AWESOME. They’re the best monsters ever! Why, I use a Beholder in every game I play! I just love it when Beholder Gauths immobilize me every round as a minor action, or even when they give up all their actions to immobilize pretty much everybody in one go!

The Eye of Frost getting at-will save ends Weakened as a once per round minor action makes him the most awesome thing this side of the Wraith! And while I’m weakened, if I’m hit by Cold damage, which I will, I get immobilized! That just rocks! And he’s an Elite critter too, so there’ll be more things in there taking advantage of the whole party being weakened and immobilized and being thrown around six squares. Awesome. Love this guy! You’re swell, Eye of Frost, and not an annoying piece of crap at all!

The Chaos Beholder can keep you from using encounter and daily powers, thus allowing him to lock out whatever character annoys him most, pretty much! What epicness, being confined to doing the same feeble attacks against him. He’s like God! And his eye rays? Domination, daze, blinding and all kinds of movement control, so great. I enjoy relinquishing control of my character to my one-eyed overlords!

And the Ultimate Tyrant is exactly the way I want all my campaigns to end. At-Will Minor Action Daze AND Slow with a save ends clause, and that turns into stun on the first failed saving throw! Sweetness. And 10, count them, 10 eye rays, at-will, two of which can be fired in every round. All of which are area bursts. Wicked. He also has 1000+ hit points, what a badass. I hope this encounter lasts 10 hours! What a way to end a satisfactory game of D&D 4e isn’t it?

These are the best monsters ever designed and all DMs should use them. Your players will love it!

…

PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!

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